"Welcome to the United States of America, Tomoko!" I had been
very anxious since I got on the airplane from Chicago to
Cincinnati, because I was alone and had no idea what my ten
months were going to be in the U.S. As soon as I got off the
plane and saw Cincinnati all over, my eyes found this sign. This
was the first time that I noticed my American family. I didn't
know anything about them, but this sign let my anxieties go. I
was very relieved, and I didn't know why, but I was crying. "Oh,
you don't have to cry, Tomoko." When they gave me hugs, I felt
that I touched something American.
It was on the Valentine's day of 1991 when I first knew them.
That day, I got a letter from the organization which would take
care of my studying abroad for a year. They were on the paper as
my American family. Since then, I had been thinking about my new
family, and I couldn't wait to see them. I left for the U.S. in
the summer of that year and I could see them at last. They were
the people I had been longing to see, and they were the people I
had imagined all the time in Japan.
"Tomoko, what do you want to eat tonight?"
"Tomoko, do you want some ice cream?"
"Tomoko, don't you want to go shopping?"
"Tomoko, what kinds of things do you do in Japan?"
They were full of interest about me, especially my host sister
Kim who was twelve years old at that time. She was the only
daughter they had, so she was very happy to have me as her
sister. At that time, it was a little hard for me to know what
they were talking about. I couldn't understand exactly, I was
just figuring out. Sometimes there were miscommunications between
us. Although I had English problems, I was very satisfied with
the new environment that was given to me. Everything was new for
me, so I never became bored.
As I spent time with them, I sometimes felt uncomfortable. I
thought that feeling came from the difference of culture and
different family taste. My host sister Kim never called my host
father Dad. She always called him Kenny, but I didn't know why. I
wondered, but I thought that he was her father and she just
didn't like to call him Dad, but liked to call him by his name.
Sometimes children like that kind of thing. So I didn't care
about it. One evening when I still had summer vacation, my host
mother, Kim and I were going shopping. My host mother said to me
in the car, "Tomoko, when I was eighteen years old, I got
pregnant and gave birth to Kim. From when she was a baby, I
raised her by myself. Now I allow her father to see her once a
week. Kim is going to her father's house and spending the night
there tomorrow."
My English was poor at that time, so I couldn't understand it
perfectly, but I understood what it meant. I was born and grew up
in a world where there was love and no fear. My family never had
big problems, and I had never worried about my family. So at this
moment, I really saw the line that was lying between them and me.
They lived in a world which I didn't know, and I lived in a world
which they didn't know, but then we were living together. I
thought that I would be able to overcome this line someday and
that they would be able to overcome it, too. Since the day that I
found the line lying between us, I felt a little uncomfortable in
this family. But this was a natural thing, because when you go
into a different world you have never seen, you will feel
uncomfortable and want to go back to the world where you have
been. So however uncomfortable I felt, I did believe that the day
would come when I wouldn't feel uncomfortable anymore.
One day, I heard my host parents quarreling in the basement,
and it shocked me very much.
"I don't understand what you mean!"
"I AM SAYING THAT ......
"No! I do not think so. I think..."
"Fuck! How many times did I tell you...
I had never seen my parents quarrel in such a way, and of
course there were the cultural differences. I was so shocked to
see the American quarrel. I didn't know what they were quarreling
about, but they didn't talk for a week. For that one week, my
host mother came to us and was very nice to us. I had never seen
her so nice, and I liked that. After one week, they got together
again. She left Kim and me alone again.
I had played the violin since I was four or five years old,
and I brought my violin with me to the U.S. I loved playing music
in the orchestra, and I had joined in the orchestra all the time
since I was in the sixth grade. And music was a universal
language for me, so that even though my English was poor to
communicate with young Americans, if I used music as a tool of
language, I thought that they would understand me and I would
understand them, too. I really wanted to join in the orchestra,
but my high school was a small school, so unfortunately they
didn't have an orchestra. I was looking for an orchestra which I
could join. One day in October, I finally found information about
an orchestra in the paper. It was an article about the audition
of the Cincinnati Youth Symphony Orchestra. I thought that this
was the thing for me and I had to join at once.
"I should join it!" I thought at once and asked my host
parents. They would be pleased to hear that, I thought.
"I really want to join it. This is the thing that I was
looking for! "
"Well, I cannot take you downtown every Sunday. Your English
is still poor. You have a lot of homework everyday. You should do
your school duty first. You don't have time to play music. You
should get good grades first."
My hope was destroyed at this moment. The light which was seen
very far on my road was blown out. Music had been a part of my
life. Now music was taken away from me. I didn't know what to do.
Since then, I became unable to find joy with this family. I
didn't feel comfortable at all with them. I couldn't enjoy the
life in the U.S. at all. I didn't know how to express my feelings
except through music. Also, my stepsister Kim was a very sad
girl. She had never lived with her real father, and she had never
seen her father and mother doing something together. She was
raised by her mother, but she felt very lonely many times. Now
that her mother was living with her boyfriend, her mother tended
to forget her. Because she thought about her boyfriend first, Kim
came second. Her heart wanted love and she was crying every
night. "I shouldn't have been born!" she cried. I was very sad to
see her.
In January, my patience reached its end and I couldn't put up
with it any more. I hadn't done anything except school work. I
didn't get anything out of those five months. "What do I want to
do in the U.S.? Is this the thing that I wanted to do? Did I come
here to do this thing?" I asked these questions to myself
everyday. This was not the life that I wanted. I thought,
thought, thought and thought about it everyday.
On January 16, 1 decided to talk about this with my regional
counselor. She came to the house and talked with my host parents
a little, but she found that they weren't doing me any good.
She said, "Tomoko, you should move out. You are not here to be
with them. This one year is yours. Your parents gave you this one
year. You should not feel guilty. You should move out to enjoy
another five months."
I didn't know the meaning of what she said at that time, but
now when I remember it, I understand what she meant. My last five
months are a precious thing, and at the same time, my first five
months are also precious to me in a way. Ibis is just part of the
story that happened to me in the U.S., and if you want to know
the other details about my experience, I don't know how to tell
you. The only thing that you can do is to go to another country
and gain experiences for a year.
by Tomoko Kita
