I remember the day when I had a traffic accident. I was just
five years old at the time. I was on the way to the park looking
for my older brother. I made sure there was no car coming, then
crossed the road. But in a moment I noticed that a big car was
facing me, and to me, the car looked as if it was going to
swallow me. Then I lost consciousness. As I heard later, after
the car hit me, my body jumped away about six meters and fell
down to the ground.
It was the day after that I opened my heavy eyelids. I was
lying on a bed in the Intensive Care Unit, but I felt as if I was
flowing in the ocean because everything I saw was green, walls,
lights and ceiling. Even doctors were wearing green clothes. Then
one of the green men gave me an injection, and I fell asleep.
When I woke up the next time, I was not in the green room
anymore, but in a white room with some other patients. Many
people came to see me, including a couple of policemen who asked
me about the accident. And a lawyer came, too. That was the first
time I had seen those kind of people, so they scared me a
little.
It took awhile for me to realize that my left hand was
paralyzed and that I would not be able to move it any more. Over
the years, I became sad when people sometimes saw me as something
different, or even awful. I can never forget those people's
attitudes, especially their eyes. One time, I guess it was when I
was seven or so, I was at school playing with my best friend,
Mariko. We found that about ten girls were playing together at a
field.
"Shall we ask them to get together?" I asked Mariko.
"Yes, why not?" Mariko said.
Then we asked one of them, who was actually the strongest,
"Can we join?"
She glanced at me and answered, "Oh, well. Only one can get
in."
"I'm fine, Mariko. Why don't you join them. I AM FINE," I said
as I ran away. I felt tears fall down my cheek. I knew that she
was intentionally hurting me, because there was no reason two of
us could not get in.
For years I went to many hospitals in search of a cure. I've
had a lot of tests and an operation. Some of them were unbearable
and made me feel like it was just a waste of time to do such
things. I wanted to run away from everything. After the
operation, I was told that I had to go to hospital everyday and
do some exercises for rehabilitation. I did everything my doctor
told me to do. But day by day I felt distressed because I could
not see any hint of progress even though I spent much of my
energy. Eventually I quit going to hospital; those tests and the
operation were in vain and left me only scars.
I have not regretted it so far. I believe it is because I made
a decision for myself. I found what is important for me is to
live like a normal person and enjoy my life. It can't be done as
long as I spend much time at hospitals. Fortunately I can live by
myself and I can go to a normal school by myself. Sometimes I am
so discouraged that I don't feel like doing anything. For me
starting a new thing or meeting new people is kind of tough work.
But I want to try everything I want to do.
The question I've been asking myself for years is whether I
should tell people that I'm handicapped when I first meet them. I
did so before, but not now. Now I tell it when I feel it is the
right time. I still don't know the answer to this question, but I
learned my best friends won't change a bit whenever I tell
them.
by Miho Yoshinaga
