When I turn off the television, there is no sound in my room.
When I lie on the bed, I nearly forget who I am. I had longed for
freedom all the time, but once I got it, I was distressed by the
gap between its ideal and reality. In the last six months, my
surroundings have changed completely.
The university life has changed not only my school life, but
also my private life. Among all those changes, living alone was
the biggest change for me. To live alone is, of course,
interesting, but it is also very hard. I have too many things to
do, study, housework, and so on. I spend everyday saying
"busy".
One day, it occurred to me, "Why am I so busy?" and "What am I
so busy for?"
I have lost my purpose and myself. The life without purpose
never comes alive. I went to an attached school from elementary
school to high school. All my friends were brought up in the same
environment, and they had almost the same purpose as me. Our
school highly recommended us going to university. Studying was
the core of the school curriculum, and what I had to do was
already decided. I could not have any free time, even if I came
back to my home.
In those days, I had dream of university life. To live alone,
to independent from parents, was what I wanted the most: "
freedom". Somehow, I entered the university, and I could get all
of them. However, "Freedom" did not bring happiness. I was
puzzled over my feeling of dissatisfaction.
"Why am I so unhappy? I could get what I wanted the most." I
asked myself to find the way to solve the problem.
Some weeks have passed without finding any answer, and then I
noticed that all the fight had gone out of my body. The "
freedom" which I barely managed to get, did not bring me
happiness. It brought only a sense of exhaustion and a lazy life.
When I was a high school student, I did not have any free time,
But I had a clear purpose " enter the university ". Because I
lived a full life in those days, I really feel that those days
are much meaningful than now.
Then I finally knew that the "purpose" is the key of humans'
life. Since I do not have a clear purpose, I can not put myself
into my studies. I thought I should find something to be devoted
to, so I joined to an exploration club. I did not do any sports
until then, so the experiences in an exploration club are all
very interesting. Caving, white-water rafting, mountain climbing,
all activities are so exciting when I was doing them. Of course,
I like the member of the club too. They are all kind peoples.
However, the club could not satisfy my feeling. I am searching
for myself.
"Where have I gone?" When I was a junior high school student,
I want to be an architect. In high school, I dreamed about
working for an international organization. But now I can not find
what I want to be.
"Every conceivable kinds of occurrence (including tiny or
trifling things) is somehow meaningful in one's life."
This is the saying, which I used to repeat so often. I envy
myself in the past. I had a confidence about my life before I
entered university. I do not know whether this feeling of
nothingness comes from the confusion of release from studying for
the entrance examination or from something else. But the one
thing that I can say is "nothing is more meaningless than freedom
without purpose."
by Hisayo Ikeda
